The End
Summary: Soleil tries to pull it together, and tries to figure out what happened and where to go from there.
Date: 07/September/2013
Related: Nitrim Soleil
Soleil 


Sep 14 3013 — Soleil's Room— Royal Towers


  She was awake before she realized she had woken. And her mind was already racing when she achieved consciousness.
  The same old thing she’d been thinking about for the past four days, since she had her second metamorphosis. Hominid to Reptilian. Cold blood.
  But she wasn’t as cold blooded as she liked to think. Looking in the mirror at the darkness beneath her eyes and the puffiness and redness, she realized she’d cried herself to sleep. What the fuck, Soleil? Why cry? Don’t you feel lucky, liberated, like you just narrowly escaped something awful?
  
  She washed her face, took off the club clothes that she had crashed into bed still wearing, fixed herself a morning cocktail, and drank it in the shower. Tally’s wedding today. She had to go, it’d be messed up to miss it— after all, Tally was the sweet, kind link to a happier time, and it was Tally’s happy day. Soleil could swallow her agony long enough to give her oldest friend a hug. It seemed important to retain at least the semblance of humanity while she went about isolating and nuking every meaningful emotion.
  
  She thought about her cat as she put her makeup on. She thought about that new kind of Jellyfish hybrid she might pick up to add to her tank while she was on the Eye. She thought about calling Keanen to go do something fucked up and stupid.
  
  Hell, when none of that worked, she even thought about her mother, trying to kill the new pain with the old. That worked.
  
  But in the end, all she could think about was how nice it’d be, right now of all times, to have a mother.
  
  When she was done with the screaming fit that followed, she calmly put on her makeup, dressed in something she didn’t think she had worn before, and examined herself in the mirror. Beautiful. Masked. It was good enough.
  
  On the way there, there was more time to think. GODS but her brain just wouldn’t stop. The drugs were the only things that helped with that, and not the drugs the doctor gave her. The other kind. So her mind raced.
  
  What had she done wrong? Other than forgiving the man and giving him a second chance? He had pushed to win her back, and at first she had been cautious and maybe even cold, but in the end she had /let/ him back in. He had acted happy. She had trusted, and loved, and cared, and worked to become a part of his family, despite his sisters having a bad attitude toward /her/ and now? She was the villain somehow?
  
  Was it because she didn’t have sex with him? He did seem like the type who needed a girl wrapped around his dick nonstop, but she had told him she was okay with him having flings. The one thing she had been clear about was faithfulness of the heart. She had also been clear she didn’t want him telling her things he didn’t mean. It really seemed like not much to ask, but he couldn’t even manage that or manage to wait for a wedding night.
  What bothered her most was why. She knew what he was telling people was a lie, so what was the truth? The whole thing, more Khourni plotting and manipulation she guessed. That dream with the drakes attacking the Eagle, supposedly Janelle or Emund. Well maybe it was all of them, because from the looks of it they were all being doused in dragon spit and flame.
  
  So, Nitrim was not the man she thought he was, that much was clear. Rationally, she should be glad how things turned out, since it would have been worse to find out later. But the betrayal was eating her like acid. He didn’t have to arrange the marriage. He didn’t have to try and win her back. No one ever asked him to tell her he loved her. No one ever demanded he do anything for her. It was all him.
  And the end of it was all him too.
  
  She was going in circles again. Hatred, rage, angst, agony, confusion. She only knew one way to end it. She hated to think Nitrim would get to add that to his pity pot, imagined him sitting on a bed with another girl stroking his cheek while he cried about how he’d driven a good woman to something so awful— maybe he’d even tell that girl he had loved Soleil. He did like to cloak himself in reasons to be pitied. It was foreplay for him. Yeah, it galled Soleil to think she would be giving him any more fodder for his MO.
  
  But she had to think about herself now, and not anyone else. That’s just how it would be.

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