Stargazing
Summary: Johana muses about her life.
Date: 04/January/2014
Related: None
Johana 


Friday May 09, 3014 — Johana's Terrace


From the balcony of her own room, Johana muses quietly to herself, uncertain what exactly she'd come out here for, but while she was here, she'd use the time to think. Oh, she had so much to think about, and she'd neglected doing so of late. The view was startlingly beautiful, the stars seeming to glitter and sparkle in all their luminescent glory, just begging for someone to notice the way they appear so close you can almost touch.

Ana stares at the view for a long time, feeling the glow from the beams dancing lightly over her pale skin, making her look ethereal, the soft red cloud of her hair glistening beneath the backdrop the view provides. She can hear an unspoken question whispering through her mind. Is she happy? A question with no real easy answer. Wasn't happiness dependent on ones mood? She could easily argue that point with herself, happiness could be found in the most unexpected places. News that Hostiles had been pushed back further could cause a smile. Seeing her son do something new, taking her finger and holding it tightly, the way he smiles when she runs her finger down his cheek.

But at the core, there was still something.. anyone could paste on a smile, even feel a brief joy over the little things, but wasn't there something more lonely beneath the surface? Something that kept her on an uneven keel?

Was she happy? Sometimes she thinks she is. Sometimes she knows she definitely is not. Other times she realizes she's basing her happiness on the same scale as she did before the war and it's never going to be the same again. She was a mother and she was a wife. The former gave her endless reasons to smile, the latter took any pretense of happiness away. Even before his disappearance from her daily life he had always been so painfully proper, so.. indifferent? Was that the right word? Distant.

He had always held part of himself in reserve. She felt it, physically, emotionally, leaving her feeling so cold, the chill seeping into every part of her, so that she was afraid she would be what he was. Lose the fire inside herself, that very passion that helped to define who she was. She was fiery, she always had been, fighting for what she believed in.. now what was she? Ice. She shivers despite the heat, wrapping her arms around herself. Lost in a marriage where words of love were never said, never hinted at.

Bowing her head, she rests her chin on her chest. And then there was Nitrim with all his hurt, his pain, his need. He needed her. Gave her purpose again. Made her feel. He pushed the ice away with his heat, his fire and intensity. They were close. They always had been though, and she'd always loved him, that was a given.

He needed her. For now, she was his haven from the volatile storm his life had become. Steady, she would stand beside him and support him, offer him the emotional bond he needed.. be his strength if he desired. Though things have changed, shifted, they were no longer who they were before, when things had been so lighthearted. Now they knew the score..

A sigh shudders through her as she picks up her chin and stares off into the distance, catching sight of the falls. Always there, always a part of her life as long as she could remember. Thalo. Always a part of her life, as long as she could remember also. That's it! Thalo! She needed to see him, to talk to him, he understood her perhaps more than anyone else ever had. With that thought, she walks inside with purpose and moves to her desk to begin penning a missive, ignoring her large and lonely bed as she passes by.

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