Is it too much to ask...
Summary: Bianka writes in her diary about her feelings.
Date: 14/october/2013
Related: None

November 27th 3013 — Bianka's Room - The Shard, Obsidia

Dear Diary,

I'm finding that love for me may just be a dream that I possibly cannot have. Men fear me, others refuse to step up, and even still others just laugh at me. I've tried to turn the other cheek, hide my feelings about the stares, and snickers, and gasps as much as i can, but inside it hurts so much, and when reality finally comes crashing down, the cold hard truth is that maybe I'm not as special as I think, maybe I'm incapable of being loved in a romantic sense. I trained hard to become a knight, and give my all for the cause of protecting people from the hostile threat, I serve my family with as much dignity and honor as one can, I even try and put myself out in the public eye as one of the few nobles who don't go out and get completely wasted and act a fool, granted there were times I've come close, but I've never brought bad press.

Why then, if I've done everything I can to be a good girl, and have tried and be a gentle giant, watching my own strength around others, keeping my anger in check, do I constantly feel a deep piercing in my heart, am I so fragile on the inside that my tough outer shell is a compensation… should I just push the world out, and become the towering juggernaut that society wants to see me as? I don't want to, I want people to feel safe around me, to be able to be themselves and not worry if i will fly off the handle. Why can't I be more like my sister… a true vision of noble calm and a rock that will eventually be the standard for our family, I don;t begrudge her this, because she has earned all the respect she has ever gotten.

As nobility our personal problems take a backseat to the problems of the public, we are to be strong, and stand firm in the face of what would destroy our society, be it crime, or the hostile threat. But hiding one's feelings can only go so far, and heartache can only be tolerated to a point… I know that it's my own fault… I want to be loved so bad that I just get my hopes up… and I end up paying the price for it. I don't know what I'll end up doing, even if I'll ever be married, how does a monster find love? How does a freak show find acceptance?


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