Summary: Soleil decides to embrace her former way of living again, if only to help her get over a confusing and bad breakup.
Date: 19/September/2013
Related: I want to be

October 3013 — Soleil's room

  “"We're gonna be fine. This is where I want to be. I didn't know where I wanted to be, but now I do. I /will/ be better
to you than I was before. I promise."
  That was what Nitrim had said. She was pretty sure the whole thing wasn’t some fever dream, even though, waking
up from the self-induced narcotic coma she’d spent the last few hours in, it almost seemed like one. She’d sooner forget
he ever said that, because the words, replaying endlessly in her mind, continued to convince her he had been telling the
truth. Even though reality contradicted his every word and promise.
  "It's not gonna happen again. I won't let it. I was lucky enough to get a second chance.”
  It had not only happened again, he had once more made it happen. All by himself. Everything was fine, she got busy
for a handful of weeks, and next thing she knew, it was over. He was ‘no longer in love’. The confusion set in, and she
hadn’t been sure what had been real since.
  Slowly she sat up in bed and turned to look at the table beside her. An array of pretty vials and powders. She had
gone out last night, slipped up to an old friend at that album release party, and soon she had everything she needed to
become her old self, to embrace the girl she had left behind.
  She had tried this new life, and she had given it her best. She had never asked for much out of it. A bit of peace,
that was all. Rehab had been brutal, and she had locked away the damaged parts in a cage in her brain, in the attic of
her self-conscious. All the feeling parts had to be stored so they wouldn’t interfere with the proper upper class Sauveur
image she needed to project.
  And then he had come along, and she had been so cautious, but somehow he had managed to unlock all those cages
and open all those boxes until the parts of herself she needed to hide were out. She started to hurt again, but he was
there, his hands on her face, promising her he would never hurt her. The hurt became bearable. She had found a new way
to cope, and one she never expected or looked for.
  And then…he took it all away again. For the second time.
  Locking poor ‘Foxxe’ up had been the hardest thing she ever had to do. Strenuous. She couldn’t do it again, and why
bother? Life had picked her up only to slam her down harder than ever before. She had given it her best try. But now,
she missed the oblivion and fleeting pleasures, the relief of not having to think or care. All those pretty vials could relieve
the pain, in their own way. The pills from the doctor had always been useless.
  Four drops in the eyes of the red, the old familiar sweet sting. Three drops under the tongue of the lavender. A delicious
tingle. For a few minutes longer the pain remained, a heaviness on her heart so intense she wasn’t sure how it could keep
beating. But slowly, the sweet fog rolled in, and his face grew dim.
  But not dim enough. She really was fucked up. Pathetic! She reached for the vial, determined to have a few hours of
peace. Just a few hours of oblivion.
  She’d make it all up to her mother some other way. Maybe in a few years she’d try to go straight again. Just now, it
wasn’t possible. Scar tissue had to regrow til her heart was nice and safe and impenetrable.
  A few more drops under the tongue and in the eye. She counted out the tablets from the prescription bottle and washed
it down with her favorite drink.. Lying down, she soon felt the weight of the little fox , the one she had brought Nitrim as a
gift, as it lept on the bed. She felt its tongue on her face as it lapped at her tears
  Tears? Why am I crying? She wondered. There was a reason, but she couldn’t remember anymore. The pain was there,.
But the reason for it was vague. Was it about mother again? Probably.
  She was beginning to feel peaceful at last. She was dimly aware of the fox frantically chewing at her hair.
  Some voice in her head— a warm voice that gave her comfort— was saying, “We’re gonna be fine. This is where I want to
be.”She drifted away on that thought, and never again woke to the reality that it had been a lie.

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